And what about the gay long distance relationships? (GLDR)
by Ivi – ivicg@activist.com
In general, long distance relationships aren’t easy for everybody, and no matter how you decide to manage one, or in which direction you want to direct it, it usually requires a lot of efford from both sides, as in any other relationship, but with the distance being an added factor in between the two lovers…
…and what about the gay long distance relationship?
It’s hardly ever spoken about how difficult a GLDR could be, or how you can manage it to make it easier. I decided to write this little article to share some of my thoughts and views, based on my experience of a 4-year long relationship with another woman, in which about half the time has been a LDR (and bicultural as well, but let’s leave that for another article).
Exposed to prejudices
Unfortunately, millions of gay women and men are still suffering prejudices against them, homophobia, discrimination, intolerance, religion repression or just simple ignorance. All of these prejudices generate a lot of stress, fear and frustration for gay people, due to social pressures and a psychological aggression that can seriously affect the person’s life, and their relationships as well. The GLDR are exposed to all those adversities, plus the ones caused by the distance.
Of course, those prejudices are stronger in some countries or regions of the world than in others. For example the UK and several countries in Europe like Germany, Sweden, Holland, Denmark just to mention a few, have changed their laws during the last decade for gay couples to be able to get married, adopt children, etc. However in Latin-American countries, homosexuality is still hiding in the dark, silenced by religion and the powerful Catholic church, and in other countries around the world same sex acts are condenmed with punishments and even death penalties.
The Ghosts of the Closet
Even if a gay person has “came out of the closet” there are always situations in which the person could experience fears and insecurities, making the person feeling like going “back in”. Those fears could be generated under some circumstances, like for example when getting a new job at a non-open minded workplace, when meeting old family relatives, or when suffering a serious homophobic discrimination or aggression.
Being openly gay is the easiest way of managing a GLDR. One of the first things I highly recommend to a gay distance couple is to openly accept their gay-orientated relationship. It’s a hundred times easier to handle the relationship if the partners come out, rather than if they don’t, as well as if they learn to handle and to fight against the ghosts of the closet.
My friend
One of the easiest ways of avoiding the fact that a gay person has a partner is by saying “my friend” instead of my partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. For example, “my friend is coming to see me this weekend”. If a couple has decided to have a LDR and wants to go forward with it, using the “my friend” expression doesn’t help. Hiding what is really going on is just going to take the person back in the closet. After using the expression for a while, the person ends up believing that she/he is just a friend, and no more than that, minimising the partner’s meaning and the commitment.
Gay = illness… is that right?
As part of the prejudices that have existed for many years (and stills does in many parts of the world), homosexuality meant to society things like Aids, depravation, harassment, child abuse, lack of commitment, unfaithful relationships, no loyalty to the partner, sickness. It was just in the year 1991 that the World Health Organization (WHO) removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses! Of course gay people can fall in love, can be faithful, loyal and can even make a family if they want to.
By admitting and saying that you are having a GLDR you will be breaking down those prejudices, and also you will become proud of yourself and of your partner, and that will make you feel stronger to deal with all the adversities that exists when distance-loving someone.
Finding support
For the disgrace of many, not everybody can find support in their friends or family when finding out that gayness is a part of their life, or when starting a new GLDR. Something that can really make a difference between having an awful long distance relationship or an easier one is by being accepted and loved by the people around you, no matter of your orientation. Finding support from friends, family or local support groups is great for the GLDR.
Respect for gay people and for distance relationships!
It could be a little bit more difficult to find support on friends and family if they do not believe that a LDR could work or if they generally don’t believe in gay relationships. If you assume your gayness and the fact that you are in a LDR, you will be getting rid of several social prejudices, as well as realising and proving that:
Long distance relationships exist and can work
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Gay relationships exist and can work
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Gay long distance relationships exist and can work !!!!
Be proud and fight for it! If you love each other and decide to have a LDR, you can do it! Nothing can stop you if you both want to do it: not the distance, and not the prejudices!
(Feel free to email me any comments, opinions or questions about this article)
25.02.09 | |Comments
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Hello,
I saw your writings in Google while seaching for the keyword “how to surivie gay long distance relationship”.
I was inspired to write you and tell my story. My name is Yujin and I am from Manila, Philippines. It is lucky that my parents had accepted my sexuality since I officialy came out at the age of 19. I am 29 years old now.
I had ended my 10 year relationship with another man last year. It should have ended on the 5th year but we tried to fix it. It survived another 5 years but those extra 5 years are becoming more and more difficult for both of us. and so, the relationship ended.
After it ended, I had short term relationships.. This has been I guess my way to tell myself that I am “still” young and I will be just fine without him (the man I lived with for the last 10 years). But since these were all “rushed” It did not work as well. I will be honest that my sexual level was high and I had those new realtionship to satisfy the need.
Until one day October 19, 2009. I was seen by a guy whom I just added in one of those Social Network sites. He was just there in my profile page but we never get a chance to communicate. The next day, I received a letter from him saying “I saw you walking in front of Gateway Mall…just want to say hello”. I replied to him “You could have greeted me then please reach me at (my mobile number)”. And that afternoon, I received a text message from him.
And so we met in my house. lets call him by the name “Merck”. Of course since this guy waited for 2 years just for me know that he exists, he was so exited about it (both emotionally and sexually). One the very first time we met, something happened. But according to him he did not do it for lust. He did it to let me know that his waiting has come to an end. He asked if I am still seeing another person and he will understand..he just wants honesty. I told him of course I am free.
I do not know if destiny is really playful because when he vivisted my house for the first time, he recieved a call from the Employment Agency that his application to The Middle East is approved and he can now start working with his requirements. He is a Registered nurse. I told myself secretly “did he come just to say goodbye?”. I pretended happy but of course I was sad..I hate all forms of goodbyes. But I cannot hinder this person of his dream.
We dated and courted each other for the next 2 weeks until we official on October 30, 2010. He revealed to me everything. From his childhood, his favorites, family. The challenge that I had with him was he gets jealous..not in an unhealthy way. Its because he does not want to lose me anymore. It was nice and I assured him that “he will be the one”. He knows that I am prone to temptation and since he is a Christian, he had asked me to throw all my porn related materials. According to him, if I believe and I trully love him, I will do it because this act is for me anyways. I did that.
We enjoyed each other. He sees to it that we meet everyday, we go to church together, spend time quietly.we made plans and schemes and we do ourbest to survive. We were able to enjoy our Monthsary, Christmas and New Year. On January 1, 2010..He bought a pair of ring. Though we know that same sex marriage is not yet recognized in the Philippines, a simple moment of vows is good enough.
I love this guy. So in love with him that I forgot that time flies. February 17, 2010, we talked and he said that he will leave for Middle East on March 1, 2010.
I know that he will have to fly one of these days. I had accepted that situation. But I cant help but to cry and be sad. I have been reading books regarding LDR but how come I feel restless and fearful?
He asssured me that he will be on vacation every 6 months and he is going to do this for our dream. He even looks forward that he will find me a job there related to my work (I am working in a contact center). My mom is very supportive with me and him and encourages us. He even told my mom that “I am HIS forever”.
Any advise on how I can survive this sadness?
— Yujin Wong · Feb 19, 08:52 PM · #